


To See You Again

by sciencebluefeelings



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bonding, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-11-02 06:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20648933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencebluefeelings/pseuds/sciencebluefeelings
Summary: Spock asks carefully, “Why not ask my younger counterpart yourself? There is a possibility that we do not share the same preferences.”“It’s a surprise,” Jim says. “Help me out, old friend. Please.”





	To See You Again

“Hey, Spock? What kind of flowers do you like?”

Spock blinks and looks up at the comm screen. Jim is currently lounging in the privacy of his room, absentmindedly writing something in a notebook just out Spock’s view. Spock finds his voice. “Flowers? Jim, is this for my counterpart of your universe?”

“Just tell me,” Jim prods. “Please.”

A bitter surge of jealousy rises up Spock’s throat, along with a futile attempt to tamp it down. It has been more difficult as of late to keep his emotions under control. He should plan on meditating more.

Spock asks carefully, “Why not ask my younger counterpart yourself? There is a possibility that we do not share the same preferences.”

“It’s a surprise,” Jim says. “Help me out, old friend. Please.”

Spock sighs a noiseless sigh.

The jealousy is a product of his own creation. There was an all too brief period of time before Jim boarded the _Enterprise_ as her new captain. Jim visited Spock’s home on New Vulcan without forewarning, and attacked Spock’s restraint and sanity with that familiar, sharp, beautiful mind and body.

Spock should have never let it escalate. Never surged to meet those teasing, challenging lips. Never let Jim spread his naked body wantonly underneath him, let hands caress and stroke to bring out Jim’s stifled gasps and moans over and over again.

Spock woke up with Jim held in his bruising grip. He never wanted to let go.

And he did not, at least not for the few days before Jim’s necessary departure.

Spock refuses to think about what would have happened if the _Enterprise_’s five-year mission was not imminent.

The morning that Jim was to leave, Spock requested that Jim cease to contact him, and redirect his efforts into uniting with the Spock of this universe. Spock’s words were detached and emotionless in delivery, as if two hours ago he wasn’t biting Jim’s shoulder while thrusting into him, bringing them both to climax.

The confusion and hurt from Jim was not unexpected, along with his refusal to break ties with Spock. Spock could not help agreeing to stay in contact through video calls, but he already knew how their destiny would eventually end.

Spock thinks about Jim’s high praise for his first officer. Jim’s proud grins as he begins to break through the stony exterior of the younger Vulcan. Spock thinks about bitter desire that cannot be conquered as Jim’s video calls gradually decrease in frequency.

Hearing Jim’s innocent questions over the comm cements Spock’s suspicions for the reason in their lessening contact.

Spock takes a deep breath. He was the instigator of his and Jim’s distancing. He has no right to feel anger over Jim and his younger counterpart’s inevitable partnership.

Spock finally answers, his words hesitant. “I have always held a particular fondness for _Zinnia acerosa_. They remind me of the garden my mother cared for during my childhood.”

There’s a satisfied noise from Jim. “What do you think about candlelight?”

Spock pretends he isn’t as disappointed as he feels.

*

Jim takes the comm into the mess hall as he talks to Spock about the results of their latest planet excursion. Spock watches his animated face with reluctant fondness.

Jim slides into a booth. “You wanna say hi to the galaxy’s hottest communications officer?”

“_Jim._” Spock hears Uhura laugh. “You talking to Ambassador Spock again?” She appears on screen next to the young captain and greets Spock in Vulcan.

By now, Spock is acquainted with the new faces of the _Enterprise_ bridge crew. Spock offers the ta’al, gaining Uhura's visible delight.

Uhura glances off screen. “Gaila’s here,” she says, waving her over.

“Hi, honey.” Gaila kisses her on the lips, and Uhura smiles up at the bright-haired woman. The stern lieutenant had shown remarkable change after choosing to change her relationship with Spock’s younger counterpart to a platonic nature. The lieutenant looks more energized and according to Jim, she laughs more often with the crew, especially with Spock’s younger counterpart himself.

Jim mentioned before that the younger Vulcan still occasionally looks at the lieutenant with discreet longing. Spock dismisses this. Eventually Spock's younger counterpart will realize the separation was of benefit to both of them. His younger counterpart was meant to be with Jim, not Uhura.

Gaila prods at Jim. “You bothering my girlfriend again, Captain?” Then Gaila notices the comm screen. “Ambassador!”

“It is good to see you, Lieutenant,” Spock says kindly.

Gaila turns to Jim, her arms still wrapped around Uhura’s neck. “You’re asking him about the dinner?”

Spock freezes. “_Gaila!_” Jim hisses.

“Ooh, shit. That’s a secret? My bad.”

Jim’s face has gone an unnatural shade of red. Spock speaks up, forcing his voice to stay neutral. “I am already informed of the upcoming occasion, Lieutenant, you have nothing to worry about. I am sure Jim and Commander Spock will share a - a very pleasant evening together.”

Gaila and Uhura blink simultaneously. Gaila snorts. “Uhhh. Huh.” She turns away from the comm screen to look at Jim. Judging from Jim’s refusal to make eye contact, the expression she is giving him is one to avoid. Uhura’s face is twisted with sympathy, and another emotion Spock is unable to discern.

Spock frowns. “What-”

Jim interrupts, “You know what? I just realized I have something to take care of. Comm you later!” The call disconnects.

Spock sits in ringing silence. The jealous, disappointed swirl inside him expands.

*

“Blue or gold? Or maybe both?”

The ugly jealousy turns feral for a moment, and Spock has to close his eyes. “You are doing this on purpose,” he snaps.

Jim blinks. “Doing what?”

Spock wants to shake the younger human. His words flow from him, sharp like staccato. “Considering our previous arrangement, the manner in which you are treating me is inconsiderate and I request you cease immediately. Your attempts to induce jealousy from me are needlessly cruel and a pointless effort.”

Jim gives Spock a steady look. “But not ineffective?”

Spock cannot reply.

“So you do still want me.”

Spock says with grief, “How could I not? You have been and always shall be my heart and my soul.”

_Too much_. It was the wrong thing to say. Spock avoids looking back at the comm screen.

The call disconnects.

*

“Captain.” Spock raises the ta’al. “Permission to board?”

The tension in Jim's shoulders relaxes at the sound of Spock's gentle tone. “Permission granted, Ambassador.”

Spock lowers his hand and offers a faint smile. “New Vulcan welcomes the _Enterprise_ and her crew.”

“Happy shore leave,” Jim says, beaming. He doesn’t rush to meet Spock, embrace with his usual tactile ease. Spock should feel victory but instead feels acute loss.

Jim's voice brings him out of his thoughts. “Thank you for coming. I was - afraid you wouldn't. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings.”

Spock avoids letting his thoughts linger on their most recent video call. “Shall we see your crew? Your first officer?”

“Oh, we’ll find them later.” Jim’s hands are behind his back, his grin still broad.

Spock raises an eyebrow and steps down from the transporter platform. “Then for what purpose have you requested my presence aboard the Enterprise?”

Jim is brimming with anticipation. “Follow me. There was some damage to, ah, a certain part of the ship. We've had to make renovations, and I’ve been wanting to show them to you in person.”

Spock follows Jim down unfamiliar hallways, even more so due to the lack of bustling crew members. “Would I happen to know the designer?”

“The design’s from an old friend.” Jim steps forward confidently towards the observation deck and the doors slide open.

Spock stares in astonishment.

The last time Spock stood with Jim on the observation deck, Spock looked with great sadness through minimal viewing portals of reinforced material, windows that were efficient and militaristic in nature.

The room has been remodeled to perfectly recreate the lovely observation deck of the _Enterprise_ in Spock's universe, with vast windows and comfortable, strategically-located benches, positioned for optimal view of the stars outside.

In the middle of the room are two chairs and a candlelit table, carefully set with all the details Jim had pestered Spock for.

Spock turns in a daze towards Jim. “How - ?”

Jim leaps towards Spock, enveloping him in an electrifying embrace crackling with nervous satisfaction. Spock now understands why Jim avoided touching him.

“It was simple enough having Spock do his mind reading stuff on me. There was enough residual memory about your observation deck from Delta Vega for my first officer's eidetic memory.” Jim taps his temple with a smirk. “He formed the blueprints and our crew worked double time together to finish before shore leave on New Vulcan.”

“You intended this for me from the start.” Spock stares at the younger human. “You lied.”

“I _implied_.” Jim only looks a little sheepish, his cheeky grin growing wider. “You’re the one that went about assuming things, love.”

In hindsight Spock realizes that Jim’s efforts have been more than blatantly obvious.

Jim's expression goes soft and shy. “What do you think?”

It’s stunning. It’s _breathtaking_.

It’s more than Spock can bear.

_Jim, Jim, my dear t’hy’la._

The Jim of this universe shines brightly in Spock’s life with his unyielding affection, and Spock gave into the temptation, the guise of redemption, of forgiveness. He cannot give in again.

Spock separates from Jim.

“I cannot accept this,” he says, his voice trembling at the end of the sentence.

Jim’s face falls a little, but he tries to maintain his upbeat posture. “It’s the tablecloth, isn't it? Should've gone for gold instead of starlight blue.”

Spock has to force himself to keep speaking. “Enough, Jim. The recipient of your efforts should have been _your_ Spock, the counterpart of this universe.”

The playfulness drains out in an instant. Jim is silent, staring at the older Vulcan. Spock braces himself for the young captain to turn his back and leave.

Jim says, “You know, my first officer and I couldn’t just do one quick little mind meld for the observation deck memories. We really had to dig for it. There wasn’t anything we could hide from each other.”

The feral, nagging thing inside Spock snags abruptly at the casual mention of such intimacy. But Jim is not done speaking.

“And that’s not even mentioning the multiple times we were saving each other from death? Turns out life and death situations are great for getting to know someone. And we both _know_, Spock.” Jim grabs Spock’s wrists, letting his thumbs graze Spock’s palms, projecting his raw desire. “My first officer and I will always be best friends, and we don’t want each other the same way I want _you_.”

Jim places a calloused hand on Spock’s cheek, but Spock bows his head away from the gentle hand, misery conflicting with his deep love for this ridiculous human that would redesign an entire flagship observation deck just to make him smile.

“Why do you keep pushing me away? You want me. You've always wanted me. So it must have something to do with my counterpart,” Jim muses. “The Jim you were bonded to before you came here. What did he do? What happened between you two?”

“Jim,” Spock murmurs.

“Am I really that undeserving of your affection in comparison to him?”

Spock’s head snaps up. “Never,” Spock says, almost harshly. “Never think that, beloved. You are more than worthy.”

“Then what is it? Why do I always feel guilt and desire when I touch you?”

Spock lapses into silence. It only serves to fuel Jim’s growing anger.

Finally Jim takes a step back towards Spock. “_I am not him,_” he says in clear, precise Vulcan. “_I will never be him, whether you accept it or not._”

Jim's proficiency in Spock’s mother language never ceases to catch Spock off guard, and Spock knows Jim knows it.

Jim marches to the table and pulls out a chair. “_You are going to sit down, and we will have dinner. And I’m going to figure out what’s going on in that mind of yours._”

Spock cannot help the smile forming at the corner of his lips. So stubborn in any reality.

*

Spock sits on the floor with his back resting against the bench in front of the largest viewing panel. He is loosely wrapped in a soft blanket Jim had already prepared.

He looks at the stars and New Vulcan, and thinks about the dinner that just transpired.

Despite the grandiose declaration, Jim’s air of authority quickly dissipated during the course of the meal, his nervousness palpable as he offered Spock a simple bowl of plomeek soup.

Spock tasted the soup and realized immediately it was not synthesized in the replicator. The crisp flavors and rich seasonings had a distinct homemade flavor. Jim must have spent a great deal of time producing the dish.

The conversation was hesitant at first, but tension gave way to ease of familiarity. Jim slipped from Vulcan back to Standard, his eyes lighting up whenever he got a successful pleased reaction out of Spock.

Spock thinks about desert flowers that were arranged in the centerpiece between, hardy with an understated presence.

Jim returns from his diligent efforts to clean up and dives to the floor next to Spock. He is barefoot, and has discarded his command yellows in favor of a grey sweater. Spock holds out his arm and Jim wraps himself up in the blanket, snuggling into the embrace.

For a while they sit there together on the floor, looking at the surrounding stars.

Jim speaks up, hesitant. “Do you think - _he_ would’ve done something like this?”

Spock is unsure how to respond to the inquiry.

“. . . There is a high probability we would be taking advantage of the numerous available seats rather than opting to sit on the floor.”

Jim laughs. “Well, some of us can't be dignified all the time.”

Spock smiles before the pleasant feeling falters. “However, if I must be genuine - I cannot know with certainty. He is not you.”

“I’m not him,” the younger man repeats, his words helpless.

Spock leans his head on Jim's. “No,” he agrees, broken. “No, you are not him. And I will never find retribution for my sins because you will never be him.”

Jim sits up straighter. “Spock?”

“I was the only one at fault, Jim. It was because of my own limitations.”

Jim merely curls tighter into Spock. “Tell me what happened.”

Spock closes his eyes and focuses on the warmth, the scent of Jim close to him. This opportunity might be his last. He will cherish this memory.

“The day I was bonded was the happiest in my life. With his presence in my mind, I truly felt that I would never be alone again. However, we - ended up conflicting often, and his unguarded emotions were potent even for my well-developed psychic abilities. It was taxing to my health, yet I was willing to see past these obstacles for the sake of our bond.”

Spock thinks about Jim’s developing laugh lines and greying hair, and an unshakeable pride over a spotless mission record.

“Jim was often called from his retirement to assist Starfleet once more. He could not resist the call to pursue the stars each time. I was against this sentiment. I felt the nature of the missions were becoming reckless, especially as he grew older and his limitations increased.”

Spock pauses.

“Eventually. . . I was subject to his gradual indifference towards me through our bond. There was nothing I could do to avoid feeling it.”

Spock’s hands were trembling as he relived the terrifying, blank sensation.

“I also felt his guilt and frequent renewed devotion for me, but the possibility that I would no longer feel his desire was too great for me to bear. At the time, I concluded the only logical option was to terminate our relationship and our bond.

“Initially he resisted my requests. He begged that we remain together, but I was adamant. It is a choice I will regret for the rest of my life.”

Jim is quiet. He does not pull away. “Did you ever talk to anyone else about it?”

Spock feels a small hope spark inside him. “I admit to - a discussion with my father’s counterpart of this universe. It was a conversation I never had the opportunity to share before.”

Spock wishes again, an unachievable desire, the opportunity to speak with his mother before she passed. To ask about the mysterious bond between her and his stoic father.

“Vulcans and Humans do not share the same type of mental state. Vulcans are unwavering in their convictions no matter how misguided, and they are trained from an early age to control their emotions. Human emotions and preferences are open to change, a continual and never ending rise and fall.

“Even with such knowledge, I know with certainty that I still would have pushed him away.”

Jim ponders this.

“So now you think you don’t deserve a second chance?”

Spock does not answer.

“Bullshit. If it weren't for second chances, I don't think I'd be alive and talking to you right now. We could make it work. I could learn,” Jim says. “How to create mental shields. Whatever you need. Anything.”

Touched by the sentiment, Spock lets a hand run down the younger man's back.

“Your dedication means more to me than you will ever know. But Jim, I do not think I could survive if I felt apathy through a bond again.”

“Then we won't get bonded,” Jim says. “We can be bondmates without the actual mental bond.”

Spock stares.

“I cannot . . .” Spock is speechless again.

“What, is it impossible?”

“. . . No, a true mental link can only be formed through an elaborate ceremony and concentrated intent from both parties.”

“Perfect. So we don't have to worry about any accidental bonds.”

“There - have been no intimate Vulcan relationships lacking the presence of a bond.”

“But it's possible. You just said so yourself.”

“You deserve the security of a mental bond that I cannot maintain.”

“I don't care about what I deserve.” Jim presses closer. “I know what I want. I want you, Spock.”

Spock feels as though his entire world has shifted. The young captain is extraordinarily proficient at eliciting this response. Spock doesn't know if his old Vulcan heart can bear any more of these magnanimous gestures. “Surely it cannot be that simple.”

Jim gives Spock a flat stare that could rival Doctor McCoy's infamous scowl. “Most non-Vulcan beings, humans included, will be in relationship that relies solely on communication through their words. And they do just fine.

“Besides, I don’t need to know what a bond feels like.” Jim looks at him through lowered lashes. “The way you feel about me - how you care about me - I don’t need a mind meld to know it.”

Jim presses his forehead to Spock's.

“Don't push us apart anymore.”

Spock kisses Jim, reveling in the familiar soft lips. “Never,” he declares. “You are my mine now.”

"Mmm, actions speak louder than words." Jim grins and slips a hand up Spock's thigh under his thin robes. "You wanna show me what you mean, Ambassador?"

Spock's Vulcan hearing picks up on the faintest vibration around the corner. He stills Jim's hand and turns his head. “I believe we are not alone, dear Captain.”

Jim growls. “Fucking hell. I _warned_ them not to - _hey!_” Jim bellows and leaps to his feet.

There is an explosion of yelping and laughter as Jim disappears from sight. Spock severely underestimated the number of eavesdroppers. He hears Sulu's voice rise above the cacophony, “It's a public space, isn't it, Captain? We're free to do as we please!”

“So did they finally get their shit together or what?” That was unmistakably the Doctor's voice.

Spock hears the smug tone of his younger counterpart. “Affirmative, Doctor.” There are scattered cheers and applause. Uhura is still laughing.

Jim sputters. “Fucking traitors, all of you! Fuck off!”

As Jim chases away his crew members, Spock laughs freely.

The bond will forever remain incomplete, but he feels whole like never before.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! (or reaching the bottom of the page ^^) I appreciate all kudos and any form of comments! especially the ones w emoji spam 💖💖✨✨
> 
> If you liked the element of counterpart shenanigans in this story, [you might like this fic of Jim and Ambassador Spock navigating a friends with benefits relationship (Rating is M!)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21724513)


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